Approaching your Trigger Dates in a New Way that Celebrates Our Loved Ones this Year
The start of a new year can be an emotional time. We may think about all the Loved Ones who we have lost over the past year and prior years, or start to list who we are worried about losing in the coming year.
I want to flip the script for you this year. I myself found that sometimes, the emotions I experienced leading up to anniversaries, birthdays, death days, and holidays were filled with dread of how horrible the actual day was going to be. I would avoid card sections of stores before Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Two years after our Mom died, I found myself at a superstore in the beginning of March when I saw they already had all their Mother’s Day cards out. I had planned on avoiding stores in the end of the month – but they put the cards out earlier. I was caught completely off-guard and burst into tears. Taking care of myself was my first priority so I left without making a purchase, went home to chill and just allowed myself to miss our Mom.
Over the years I have realized that the anticipation can be much worse than living through the day itself. Instead of dreading dates and days and being caught in hard and sad memories, I now follow my siblings’ lead and I plan different activities to honor my Loved Ones on these days. I have found that I have a much easier time coping with the new year and actually almost enjoy thinking of the different things I plan to do on their days to honor them, completely immersing myself in the things that I loved the most about them.
So this is my challenge to you for the coming year.
When you are thinking about the upcoming year, consider this: Instead of allowing hard anniversaries to just come up during the year and dread them in the months and weeks prior, make a list of birthdays, death anniversaries, and other important dates related to those you Love who are no longer here.
I want you to start a new notebook or journal and every time you think of something both you and your Loved One both loved to do write it down.
Then on the next page, write down all the days / dates for the coming year that are triggers for you for that person.
For each date I want you to make a list of at least 3 different things / activities you will do to honor them on those dates!
If you are able, put in for time off on those days – or a day leading up to the date, for you to hold space for yourself and your Loved One.
Plan them all out and then you have something to look forward to as a way to celebrate and honor them on those rough days. Turn it into a special thing to look forward to, and involve as many friends and Loved Ones who are also missing your special person. If they loved concerts, find a concert to attend. If they loved gardening find a public garden or nature preserve to visit. It could be as simple as watching their favorite movie and making one of their favorite meals! Or if you had our Mom you might go to a museum and look at her favorite painter’s works. Giving yourself permission to spend a day at least once a year to celebrate your Loved One and really allow yourself to be immersed in memories is a gift to yourself and to them <3
Do you have any shared interests?
Another idea is to buy yourself a book at a used bookstore or local library book sale on a subject where the two of you shared an interest. Then when you are missing them, you can revisit some of their favorite things in the different books. Or maybe collect something that you both loved, or add to a collection of theirs that you inherited. Whatever rings true to you as something that you know they would have loved to do or experience with you, that you also love is the way to go!
Connecting through writing
Lastly, one of the hardest things about our Loved Ones not being here is that we no longer feel they are here for the major events in our lives. There may be happy events, or hard times that you wish you could share with them and discuss and get their input. I suggest that you take time on these days to just sit down at a desk with paper and pen or with your tablet or laptop and write a letter to them. Tell them everything you have wished you could have told them about since they crossed over.
Tell them anything you wish you had told them when they were still here physically and tell them how much you love and miss them. Find a special box at a home store of some kind that reminds you of them. And each letter you write, add to the box and date it. This makes a wonderful keepsake to read over the years and will help you feel closer to them, especially if your memories fade a little over the decades.
You can also share whichever letters you choose with other friends or family members and make it a group tradition which will make an incredible gift to future generations. When you find photos of any of your favorite adventures that you mention in your letter then add them to the box in the same envelope and write on the back the names, dates, and place it was taken.
Any letters that you write that are too personal to share, please put in a separate envelope and seal it. If you ever decide your are ready to part with that sensitive and highly private letter then please burn in your fireplace or grill so that it remains private between you and your Loved One. You can ask God, the Angels, your higher power or whatever speaks to you to please deliver the message.
Figuring out ways to celebrate and remember our Loved Ones and keep them alive in our plans every year can be a huge help in learning a new way to take a step forward in our lives and still be with them – just in a different way.
If you have other ideas on how to cope with these days please respond!
Much Love, Lili