Sometimes Your Family Needs a Neutral Third Party
Besides supporting families, I am a trained elder mediator. A professional like myself can help you and your family, or a client, who cares for a person living with dementia. It may be suitable for situations where an aging family member’s welfare is at risk. This may be due to disagreements among relatives and/or close friends or advisors.
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
You and your siblings mostly agree about caring for aging parents, but you can’t resolve one or two major issues.
Your family is at an impasse regarding a family member’s care.
You have step-siblings or distant relatives who challenge your decisions on a family member’s care.
You have durable power of attorney for your spouse. However, other relatives, maybe an adult child or sibling, have a lot of opinions and/or offer unsolicited advice. But they can’t or won’t help with the care.
You are an only child who is caring for an aging parent.
All of the above?
Scenarios #1-3 are certainly candidates for help from a neutral party. #4 is unlikely unless the POA is challenged and you are taken to court. But mediation is an option. On #5, it’s probably not suitable for mediation but the sole benefit is not having to get others’ approval (hopefully, you are getting some support and respite!). However, in my experience, few families are all on the same page. Sadly, many disagree on almost everything. Throw in family dynamics and past grievances, and you have the recipe for irreconcilable differences.
Might you or your clients benefit from an impartial third party? Rather than taking matters to court or arbitration, where a legal professional decides for you, do you know what elder mediation is?
According to the National Care Planning Council: “Elder mediation provides a forum for family decision-making. It is private, confidential, and completely voluntary. Mediators facilitate a purposeful and directed conversation… family members are encouraged to express their interests and concerns.” From the ADR Academy in Florida: “A trained elder mediator assists elders and their families. (Then) they make the important decisions that impact their quality of life.”
Let’s take a closer look.
What does an elder mediator do?
An elder mediator guides families who can’t agree about an aging relative’s health care. They are a neutral third party. The mediator listens to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. They help your family communicate better and find solutions together. They guide the family to talk calmly, find common ground, and solve problems. This reduces conflicts and improves understanding. A mediated solution ensures the elderly person’s wishes are respected. This leads to better overall care and well-being for them.
Mediation preserves the voice and participation of the elder. It provides a constructive and safe environment. It also encourages all parties to participate and discuss issues about the elder’s care. These may include issues arising in the context of a conservatorship petition.
When is elder mediation appropriate?
A family should consider elder mediation when they can’t agree on important decisions about their older relative’s health care or living arrangements. For example, some family members want the older person to move to a care home or community. Others want them to stay at home with assistance. Or, some may deny the need to do or change anything at all. This leads to conflict. In such cases, an elder mediator helps the family talk calmly, and listen to and understand others’ concerns. Then, you can explore and find a solution that works best for everyone. This is vital for the well-being and happiness of the older relative.
In specific cases of dementia and other cognitive impairments, some issues where the parties may agree to elder mediation are:
Health care and medical decisions
Driving
Religious issues
Residence, living, and caregiving issues
Family business issues
Incapacity/Guardianship
Abuse/neglect
Estate planning
Claims of financial abuse/ exploitation (may avoid involving Adult and Protective Services)
What are elder mediation’s advantages?
Elder mediation is a viable option when you and your family can’t make difficult decisions. Rather than retaining a lawyer and taking the dispute to court, an elder mediator helps you reduce time, stress, and costs. A mediator facilitates so your family talks and works together to find solutions. They focus on what’s best for the older relative, not on “winning”. Mediation is faster than a court case, and everyone gets a say in the decision(s). You seek a fair and peaceful path, not a fight and courtroom drama. (That’s why you won’t see mediation on TV or in a movie!)
The goal of elder mediation is to provide families access to resources that are not available in court. The mediator, especially one with senior care or advisor credentials, knows resources to serve the elder’s needs within their community. In encouraging this communication, elder mediation’s facilitative approach helps to preserve family relationships. It builds connections to community resources that families may otherwise be unaware of. For example, programs that provide engagement for your elder and a break for the family caregiver.
Mediation’s benefits make it a viable option for disputes involving families and elders. Therefore, it can be an appropriate intervention in many, if not most, cases. There are some situations, however, where the mediator may be limited in being able to address the high-conflict dynamics that can arise in an elder dispute.
When is elder mediation not suitable?
Mediation is not for health emergencies or urgent medical decisions. In such cases, seek immediate medical attention. Also, if one or more family members won’t participate, mediation might not work. In addition, this is true if there is a history of control issues, abuse, or violence. To ensure safety and well-being, you may need another form of support or intervention.
What will an elder mediator not do?
Finally, an elder mediator will not decide for your family. Nor will they take sides. Their role is to facilitate the discussion so you understand each other better. They won’t give legal advice nor tell people what they should do. The mediator won’t force anyone to agree on anything.
In addition, an elder mediator is not a therapist nor will they assume this role. They can’t fix or resolve family history or dynamics. The elder mediator can, however, help you communicate better and improve relationships.
Again, the mediator will not decide for you. However, the mediator’s goal is to help you reach a decision that everyone can live with. In most cases, no one will get everything they prefer.
If you and your family think your situation may benefit from an elder mediator, seek one out in your area or someone like myself who works remotely and/or nationally. You may be able to schedule an initial free consultation. This can be your first step towards a quicker, less costly, and more satisfactory outcome. You will agree on a care plan for the welfare of your person living with dementia. Now, doesn’t that sound better for all concerned?
Since I became a Caregiving Support Consultant and Certified Senior Advisor®️, increasingly I assume this role for families whom I advise. Therefore, I became a trained elder mediator. Please contact me if this seems suitable for your family or if you have any questions on how I can help you on this and other matters.
Bill Cohen, CSA®️
https://cohencaregivingsupport.com/elder-mediation