The Empty Chair
Whether it is your first Hanukkah or Christmas without your Loved One, or there have been many, one of the hardest things about the holidays is seeing their empty chair.
During our grief journeys you may find that the grief changes and grows in different directions year to year. Our Beloved Dad died three days after Christmas. The first year after his death I was okay putting up all the usual decorations and making our house full of Christmas everything. The second year after he died, I could barely bring myself to look at anything that had to do with Christmas or take out the decorations, let alone decorate or have a tree.
One of our traditions growing up was we would listen to an old recording of the Festival of Lessons and Carols mass from King’s College Choir and decorate the tree. When I was in my own home I would start with listening to the mass and the Christmas story, and then watch The Nutcracker Ballet movie with Mikhail Baryshnikov and Gelsey Kirkland.
The second year after his death, the thought of listening to the album that started my decorating since childhood and watching my beloved Nutcracker had me in tears. I couldn’t fathom decorating anything without listening to the mass or watching the Nutcracker – so the house stayed without decorations.
Of course, God had other plans, and our daughter and her friends decided that the house needed to be decorated even if I couldn’t do it. They stormed the house with love and laughter and got the job done!
Because they had done the decorating and it wasn’t me with my usual routine, I was able to appreciate the decorations, and even enjoy the whole process. They gave me Christmas back – but in a new way that did not leave me in sad tears. Although I will admit that I had happy tears when I thanked them for all their hard work and what they had done for us – it meant so very, very much.
What I learned from the whole experience that year is that, when we are grieving so deeply, it is important to step back from your usual traditions and plans. Figure out which of the traditions is causing the most pain for you to do without your Loved One or just too painful to do at all. Allow yourself the grace to say “not this year”. You can either skip it altogether or maybe figure out a different way to get something done that can bring you joy and allow you to celebrate the holidays with less extra pain.
Some Suggestions for Change
For each holiday, make a list of all the usual traditions you have in your family, or just you.
For each of these items, I want you to assign a number – 10 being very painful right now, and 1 being very little pain.
Go through each of these items and honestly judge what the number is that you should assign for each activity.
Then make a list of the activities that cause between 1-5 pain, and the 6-10 that cause more pain.
For each of the things that cause the most pain (5-10), ask yourself why you need to do that activity this year or in this particular way. If you can skip it, then great! If you can’t because of other family members, or children who are counting on it, then I want you to brainstorm other ways you can get things done – like my daughter’s friends decorating my house for Christmas.
Other Possible Substitutions
Instead of having your Holiday dinner at home and staring at Grandpa’s chair, go out for your special festive meal.
Maybe decide to skip the traditional dinner altogether because it hurts so much and find a pizza and a movie theater that are open.
Or maybe get everyone to travel to a cousin’s home if they are willing to host. Just mix it up so that you all get a break from your deep grieving.
Will it stop your grieving? Of course not!!! But making these changes gives you space and time to enjoy a tiny corner of your life while you are coping and processing the loss of your Loved Ones.
The list of things that are 1-5 levels of pain should also be reviewed and thought about. Anything that gives you even a hint of dread should be left out of your plans for this years holidays.
Start your lists of traditions sooner rather than later so you can have the time and space to come back to each tradition you write down and not be overwhelmed with how so much has memories of your Loved One attached to it.
Lastly, if you can’t change much if any at all, then here is another idea to consider. For the friends and family who will be at the Hanukkah or Christmas dinner tables, send everyone an email, or even better, put it on fancy stationary or colored paper.
Ask everyone who is attending each meal to please bring two memories of your Loved One with them and put the titles on a gift tag.
The first memory should be their favorite memory of your Loved One who has died, and the second memory should be the funniest memory of your Loved One who has died.
Then when everyone arrives, have them tape the tags onto the chair or a large piece of gift-wrapped cardboard that you place leaning against the back in your Loved Ones chair.
If you are okay with it – you can even put your favorite photo of them on the gift wrapped cardboard. Ask people to please bring any photos they have that are connected to these two memories, and they can tack those onto the cardboard as well.
Then after dinner, and before dessert, you can have the children in the family oversee the cardboard and have them choose the tags one by one and have the person who brought the tag tell the story of their memory. This will allow you all to laugh and cry and be together the way family and friends should be. It takes the elephant out of the room and gives everyone the chance to participate in a new tradition. If you are comfortable, have the whole storytelling part of the evening video recorded.
These are treasures being told and family history that is lost if it is not preserved.
If someone has a transcription program, you can have the audio transcribed, edited and the photos scanned and create a yearly memory book that has memories of the different family members and friend groups as the years go by.
You will no longer look at their place as an empty chair, but one that brings love and laughter as well as sadness as you share your joy and sorrow together. And you can thank them for bringing you all together on a much deeper level than you would have had before they died. And any children present will learn that it is okay to grieve, to cry and to laugh – and in my opinion there is no greater gift.
Much Love,
Lili