The Heartbreaking Loss of Our Parents

One of the cruelest things about life is the loss of our parents. Maybe you weren’t as close to your parents as I was, but it still is a loss. It is a loss in that there is no longer hope that the relationship(s) could improve, or disagreements be resolved.

Or maybe it is a loss because they never got to meet your children and so, they couldn’t fulfill the role of doting grandparent or help you with childcare as they had promised. Perhaps you had a fight or disagreement and they died before you had a chance to make it right.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss your parents because, as they got older, they may have had physical issues or dementia that changed how they acted. You may have felt relief when they died because they were no longer suffering and were free from a body or mind that no longer functioned well.

BUT that is when the little things that you had forgotten about begin to surface in one’s heart or mind. Things that you loved about them, that were connected to who they were before they changed from an accident or illness. You may start thinking about how great your Mom’s Christmas cookies were and be sad that you can’t ask her for the recipe.

Or maybe there is a story that your Dad or Uncle told about your grandparents when they were little that you loved to hear, but have forgotten most of it. Not being able to just pick up the phone and ask a family member from that generation is so frustrating.

We are often so busy living our lives when we are younger – dealing with jobs, relationships, and all the adulting things that come along with growing up, that we don’t make the time for our parents or our older relatives. It isn’t that we don’t care or want to make time for them. It is more that we are tired, busy and we get distracted by the things we need to do for work, our hobbies, our spouse or our kids.

I was incredibly close to both my mom and dad. I was blessed with parents who weren’t perfect but did do everything in their power to be the best parents they knew how to be. As a young adult, I remember thinking that I knew just as much about life as they did. We may think we are so much more advanced and know so much more than our parents, but then later on in life, we realize that is actually not the case.

As we ourselves age, we start to have a different approach than we did in our youth and don’t WE get the surprise when we realize how much we are like our parents! When this happens, we may start rethinking decisions we made during our lifetime that changed our paths and trajectories. We may wish we could review those choices with them – or maybe discuss decisions we are contemplating now. It is so hard not to have our parents, or an older friend or relative, who acted as a mentor or a sounding board in our earlier lives. Sometimes we let them know how much they, and their advice and counsel, meant to us. Then other times we wonder if we said or did enough to let them know the special place they had in our lives.

It just amazes me that the older I get, the more I miss having my parents, grandparents, and my Aunt Esther and Uncle Ed around. To laugh with or discuss issues I am concerned about or just because I need to hear their voice. Sometimes it seems that it would be more fair if our bodies aged in parallel with our maturity so that we would hopefully have more time with them… but who knows… that might not work either…

It is just so frustrating that when we are finally old enough to really appreciate our parents or other older relatives as grown ups, and would love to spend time with them as their younger selves, we cannot. PLUS we often would love our adult children to get to spend time with them and share in their wisdom or simply get to know each other as adults and learn more about family history. How often do you imagine what a great family party you would have if your parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles could all come back and join you for an evening or day of fun and talking.. And all of be around the same age… so much to share all around.

The closest thing I have found to being able to talk to them or be with them is writing them a letter. Sometimes, when I am really missing my Dad, Mom or Aunt Esther, I will sit down at my laptop and write them a letter and pour out my heart. If I am in a quiet space and place and have the time to slowly write the letter, I can almost always hear what they would say in response in my head. This does bring me some peace, smiles, and sometimes even laughter.

So, in closing – do whatever you can to make sure your older friends and family know how important they are to you and how much you love them. And if the time to do that has passed, then sit down at your computer or grab a notebook and write a letter to Heaven and catch them up on what has been going on since they left. Be sure to write down anything you hear or feel in response and think about it… there is a good chance it will resonate and help, even if it’s only a little bit.

Much love,

Lili