I Lost My Daughter to Fentanyl Poisoning – Kelsie’s Story
It has been six hundred-fifty-seven days and two hours, since my entire world as I knew it, completely shattered. Shattered, fell apart, blew up, destroyed, wrecked. On this day, February 27, 2022, at 5:27 pm, the love of my life, my heart and soul, my beautiful 23-year-old daughter, Kelsie’s heart beat for the last time. My worst nightmare, every parent’s worst nightmare, was now reality.
This cannot be real. I will wake up. This is not my beautiful daughter, with the biggest smile, brightest eyes, and infectious giggle lying there lifeless. God would not be so cruel. Haven’t I been good? I have certainly prayed without ceasing for His protection over my children. He would not take her from me. How. How did we end up here? My child is supposed to take care of me when I get old. I’m supposed to have grandchildren someday, a bride, mom and daughter days. I will wake up.
Kelsie Hix
Kelsie Elizabeth Hix a perfect, beautiful, wide-eyed baby born October 24, 1998. She was my world, my joy, my heart. Kelsie was a beautiful, funny, smart, active young girl, she loved volleyball, horses, her dogs, and friends. She was seriously a perfect baby, toddler, and elementary student through middle school I had no difficulties whatsoever with her. In the 8th grade, things took a downward turn in the form of depression, anxiety, and everything dabbling in drugs. We did seek treatment, but her depression was resistant to medication. There is a lifelong history of chaos in our home due to her brother, my oldest, who was born with oxygen deprivation resulting in mental health issues and intermittent explosive disorder, leaving Kelsie to grow up in a literal war zone, constant chaos. The drugs she turned to were her only escape from this chaos. Kelsie and I were very close, we discussed everything, including her drug use. She hated it and kept trying to stop, but the anxiety and depression would take over or her brother have a rage, and she would give in.
On the day of February 26, 2022, our house was buzzing with chatter, my parents were over for dinner, my husband on the porch grilling, and Kelsie and I upstairs getting dressed. It was around 5:30 I walked the few steps from my room to hers to chat, to find the beginning of my nightmare.
I found my daughter sitting on her floor, cross-legged, head slumped over to the floor and saturated in her own vomit, and she was blue. Immediately I began screaming her name, and yelling call 911, and began CPR. First responders were there in no time, both sides of our street was flooded with responders, probably 30 or more. All of the paramedics worked nonstop on her doing for and shock, they were soaked in sweat, for an hour. I overheard one say, “We need to call it” and almost immediately after another said “Wait. I feel a pulse”. Immediately they rushed her to the hospital, but we were already informed the prognosis was not good, she had been without oxygen for too long.
We weren’t sure what happened to her, we heard no noise or anything, but I knew the drugs she preferred did not cause this reaction, it was something else. Her drug of choice was meth for its weight loss benefits, and I didn’t think this was meth-related. I had access to her phone and immediately started going through messages and found some stating she got “Xanax” from someone for her anxiety. We learned this was not Xanax at all, but a pill made to look like Xanax, laced with fentanyl, a deadly opioid. She was poisoned. My baby was poisoned, this is not an overdose, fentanyl poisoning is just that, poisoning.
(I had the person’s name, phone number, picture, car, who got her the fake Xanax)
Once at the hospital we decided to leave her on life support until her heart decided to go on it’s own, and we wanted time to be with her, talk to her, sing and play music to her, and hold her hand. As I think about this time now, I remember that none of it seemed real, answering questions, doctors giving bad news, detectives coming in, you are just on autopilot. I remember watching the monitor, and those last few minutes watching the heart rate get slower and slower, until we heard that horrible sound of beeeeeeeeeep and seeing that number 0 on the monitor for her heartbeat. Scream. That’s all I could do. Scream, cry, yell. Please let me wake up. Wake up!
My baby, my beautiful hippie soul, numerology, astrology-loving, beautiful, perfect baby was gone. Too much to comprehend or imagine. I still can’t grasp the fact I will never see her until I get to her. This grief journey is Hell. Truly. I dove into research about grief, how to work through it (you don’t) how to help yourself, on and on. I still cry every day. Some days my grief was so debilitating I literally could not speak. I attended a grief group, see a therapist every 2 weeks, listened to binaural beats for grief, and tried acupuncture for grief and EMDR therapy, and sound healing. The grief has been so debilitating I knew that I had to somehow learn how to live, although I didn’t want to. I wake up thinking of her, think of her all day, and go to bed thinking of her, with tears flowing. When your child dies, or a loved one, it changes how you see everything. I found myself mesmerized by the sky and clouds, watching, staring at the clouds for extended periods, thinking, waiting, for Kelsie to pop out from behind a cloud and wave at me. What a ridiculous thought, but I still do it.
Grief. It’s different for everyone. The pain from losing a child can’t be described or explained so I won’t try. There are no words. To know you will never, in this life, see, hear, touch, hug, or kiss your child again is incomprehensible. My daughter was my joy. My heart. We were almost as one. We were close and talked about everything under the sun. I knew what she was thinking before she did. Now, my person, my beautiful daughter, was gone, not on a sleepover or trip, but forever.
I was angry, and still am. Angry! How could God do this to me? Why didn’t He save her? The grief group I attended was full of moms who had lost children. I attended for a while, but I was too angry for any benefit to occur. The moms talked of being thankful to Him for getting them through. Well, I didn’t feel very thankful and stopped going. I just couldn’t keep listening to them and how thankful they were when I was so angry at God. Seeing my therapist every two weeks just to talk, cry, or say anything, has been helpful. My therapist was also Kelsie’s therapist, so she already knew us both.
I don’t think it’s necessary to go into detail about each method I participated in and still do to help me function. I find binaural beats very effective and in EMDR therapy, you can actually do EMDR or bilateral stimulation on your own through Spotify or YouTube, they have many tracks to listen to.
I have always been a spiritual person, very much embracing unorthodox ideas and life after death. Now, more than ever, I needed to find out if there was an afterlife. There is a very good group for grieving parents called Helping Parents Heal and through them, I connected with some Evidence Based Mediums. These are mediums that have been tested and proven credible. I had to see if this was legit, so I booked a session. I know, I know, some, many of you are thinking how crazy. That’s ok. I know what I know.
This first session left me 100% confident my daughter is alive in her new spirit form, across the veil. This medium told me things and gave me information that only my daughter could have told her. Things only Kelsie and I knew together. Since that first session, I have had many more, each one equally or more validating than the first, all incredible experiences. I have researched, read, studied the afterlife, life after death, medium-ship, and anything related to the death transition that I can find. Everything leaves me knowing there Is life after death, we Don’t die, only our physical body dies, and our soul and spirit live on. Believe me, I know this sounds more than crazy, but when your child is taken from you, forever, you will do Anything to Connect with them again. Truly, these sessions, hearing from Kelsie via the medium, has been the single thing to bring me any type of comfort, to know she is here.
It has been 1 year 9 months 17 days since I lost my girl. That is 1 year 9 months 17 days of hell, crying, trying to breathe, trying to function, missing the best part of me. My daughter was a beautiful soul, she loved her dogs, astrology, numerology, crystals, and singing. A fake Xanax pill poisoned her and ended her life. Fentanyl is the leading cause of death for people 18-45, more than Covid, gun violence, and cancer.
I have embarked upon numerous missions to honor Kelsie and spread awareness of fentanyl poisoning that is killing so many young people. Parents, please talk to your kids! No parent should live or go through their remaining days on earth in this kind of grief and pain. It never goes away, the ache, the emptiness.
Kelsie is the first person I talk to every morning, the last person I talk to every night, and the person I have the most conversation with throughout the day. Her favorite flower was the sunflower, her favorite things were anything celestial, crystals, and her dogs. Every day I wear something to honor her, either sunflower earrings, or crescent moons and stars, or her clothes. I got a sunflower tattoo for her and her handwriting on my arm. I just feel like I need her all over me, around me, so I try to cover myself in things she loved or that were hers. Our home has been transformed into a sunflower sanctuary of sorts, they are everywhere in pictures, paintings, home décor, my kitchen table was even painted as a sunflower.
I received so many books on grief and loss from friends and family, but my 3 favorite would have to be, I wish I knew, by Donna Ashworth, a collection of poems, Seasons of sorrow, by Tim Challies, Still Right Here, by Suzanne Giesemann, a great site and resource Helping Parents Heal, and A Bed for my Heart, for fentanyl awareness and resources my foundation in honor of Kelsie.
Grief is a journey we all will be on one day. I have lost very close friends, grandparents, and uncles, but nothing comes close to this loss or pain. If you are grieving, struggling with loss, whatever you need to do to help yourself, do it. Be kind to yourself. Grief impacts our physical, neurological, and mental health to a great degree whether you realize it or not. Rest if you feel tired, sleep more if you need to, and don’t feel pressured to attend functions if you don’t want to. You are your first priority during this time. Grief has no timeline, no time limit, and no expiration date so don’t let people make you feel wrong if you grieve for an extended period of time. Greater love results in greater grief.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me for any reason.
Stories save lives. Share to spread awareness and possibly save a life. Love your kids. No matter what. – Kim
ABOUT KIM HIX:
“I am the storm” has been my motto. I am known to be stubborn (who me), determined, and relentless when it comes to things I am passionate about. Like my kids. Never would I have guessed this phrase is something I have leaned on the past 2 years, after the poisoning death of my daughter.
Born and raised in Columbia South Carolina, now a Greenville, Sc resident since 1989. My passion is in helping ppl become healthy, fit, feel better, with my nutritional and fitness coaching business, Team Kim Fitness (teamkimfitness.com) for 20 years. I have been married for 31 years and have 2 children, my youngest, Kelsie, was poisoned by fentanyl in 2022, she was 23.
Since I lost her, it has been my hope and mission to make others aware of this deadly poison killing our kids. Our foundation Kelsie’s Cause 501(c)3 does just that, sharing information about fentanyl poisoning on all social media outlets and donating back to other charities close to Kelsie’s heart.
Hear me Speak. Thoughts from an Angel
by Kim Hix (Author)
Get in touch with Kim at kelsiescause@gmail.com