A Closer Look at the Forgotten Mourner, the Surviving Sibling
When I lost my brother, Michael in 2004, while he was serving as a flight medic in Iraq, I found only one book on sibling loss. It was in that book where I was introduced to the term “forgotten mourners”, referencing people who have lost a sibling. This is said in part because most support goes towards their parents when a sibling dies. The parents are dealing with most peoples’ worst nightmare, the loss of a child. Even the surviving siblings themselves are often focused on helping their parents. The type of support received is most often in others asking how one’s mom, or parents, are doing, but rarely on how the surviving sibling themselves are doing.
As a clinical psychologist in Sacramento, my private practice focuses on serving those with grief and loss, depression, and anxiety, to name a few. In 2019, I had a client mention that there were limited resources or books on sibling loss. I had assumed more must have been written since losing my brother in 2004 and went to Amazon to find only a handful of books had been added in fifteen years. This felt deeply wrong to me, so I started writing. One of the first things I did was interview fourteen people who had lost one, and in several cases, two siblings. They helped further validate for me the other reason siblings are often under-supported with their grief; because I believe the impact of losing one’s siblings has been vastly unknown. Whether these individuals lost their sibling six months prior or nearly twenty years ago, the profound impact losing their sibling had on them was evident in every interview. How alone many of them felt, and how much they wish others understood their pain more was expressed in many of the interviews.
I believe there are other reasons that siblings get lost in the grief process. For one, if you lose your sibling in your twenties or thirties, there is a good chance your peers and partners have little to no experience with significant loss. People often feel deeply alone with this pain and few places to get understanding or support. Many people feel like a part of them has died too. You may have lost your only sibling and the person you grew up with and have childhood memories with. Losing a sibling also greatly changes family dynamics. Someone could go from being the oldest or youngest to being the only child. You can also feel robbed of a future; holidays and birthdays that won’t be celebrated together, nieces and nephews that will never be had, and taking care of your aging parents on your own. These are all examples that have been shared with me. And yet this profound impact is often unrecognized and unseen in our society, leaving many surviving siblings under-supported in their grief.
Sibling loss cuts to the core, and in many cases, changes someone forever. I don’t believe we move on or get over the death of a brother or sister, rather we learn to live with the loss of our sibling. We learn to have both happiness and joy again as well as sadness and grief. We learn these conflicting feelings can and will coexist.
Over time I see the clients in my practice struggling with the notion that they are actually getting and feeling better. How could they feel better when their brother or sister is no longer alive? Clients express that this feels like a betrayal and feel deeply conflicted by this. However, the reality is they do begin to function better, crying less often and having moments of happiness again. So I came up with a metaphor to help make more room for the shifts that happen in our grief. I call this the car metaphor. Picture a traditional car, with the driver’s seat, passenger seat, back seat, and trunk. When people first come into therapy or lose someone, their grief is often in the driver’s seat, their grief is impacting nearly every part of their life. Some people aren’t able to work and are crying all the time. Any joyful, happy part of them is in the trunk, far from view.
However over time, grief shifts. It moves into the passenger seat, where it is still quite heavy and present but people are feeling more functional, return to work, crying a little less. Sometimes the happier, more peaceful parts of them get back in the car, even if for short amounts of time, possibly for an event they are invited to. Celebrations like birthdays, graduations, and weddings are sometimes avoided at first but over time, are attended again. As you continue down your journey, grief will get into the backseat, still a part of your life, but no longer as debilitating and constant. People like the idea of their grief shifting because it includes all parts of them and their emotional states. Grief moves in a dynamic and fluid way, without having to leave your loved one behind in the process. It is also a way to talk about your grief, how heavy or present it may be feeling. Loss is further complicated by our limited vocabulary around grief feelings. It is hard to express what we don’t have words for.
So the question then is often, what helps shift grief? How do we process grief? There are many different ways depending on who you are and what feels best to you, or where you are in your grief journey. Therapy was very helpful to me and I saw a therapist for several years after losing my brother. A great website to find a therapist in your area is www.psychologytoday.com. I recommend you find someone that specializes in grief and loss. If you are having a lot of nightmares or flashbacks, you may want to see a therapist who does a specific trauma modality called EMDR. Body work such as acupuncture, massage, and yoga can be helpful. Exercise is another way to process grief plus it helps with depression and anxiety, which you may also be feeling. I tell my clients, when you get stuck in your head, move your body.
Channeling your grief energy may include participating in organized walks and fundraisers. Journaling your feelings, writing to your sibling, reading grief books, and attending grief groups are also helpful to many. Talking about siblings, talking to your sibling. Yes, many people do that.
I also suggest you tell the support people in your life, friends, family, and partners how to best support you in your grieving. Many times people don’t ask how someone is doing because it feels uncomfortable to bring up or they don’t want to upset you. Or they stop asking too soon. Surviving siblings have a deep need to talk about their brother or sister who has died. We often grieve for years, not just weeks or months. Maybe ask friends or partners to check in with you on how you are doing, or attend a function or fundraiser with you.
Despite there still not being enough resources for siblings, the tides are turning and there is much more than when I lost my brother in 2004. There are now Facebook groups and podcasts specific to sibling loss. The Surviving Siblings Podcast is available on all platforms and features stories representing all different types of sibling loss. My book, Surviving Sibling Loss: The Invisible Thread That Connects Us Through Life and Death shares both my personal story and professional insights about grief. I interviewed fourteen other people who lost sibling(s) and have an entire chapter about the most helpful things we did to help cope and process our grief. This is available on Amazon, Audible, Kindle, and many digital platforms.
The first conference dedicated solely to sibling loss, The Surviving Siblings Summit will be happening virtually in April 2024. You can register for this at https://events.ringcentral.com/events/the-surviving-siblings-summit.
I truly believe our relationships with our siblings don’t end with their passing. They are always a part of our hearts, souls, and lives. Finding ways to honor and integrate them can provide healing and was certainly a huge part of my own journey. We created a foundation in my brother’s name, we still toast him at holiday dinners, my children who never met him refer to him as Uncle Michael, and his pictures are up in our homes. He continues to be, and will always be, an important part of our family story. My hope is that you find ways to honor your brother or sister and learn new ways to feel connected. My wish is you find healing in knowing your connection doesn’t end, and for many, it even continues to grow.
Wishing you peace and healing,
Dawn
ABOUT DAWN DIRAIMONDO, PSY.D.:
When author Dawn DiRaimondo, PsyD, lost her brother in 2004, she found only one book on sibling loss. So, she wrote the book she wished she had then.
Surviving Sibling Loss: The Invisible Thread That Connects Us Through Life and Death is the gold standard of grief books, helping not only people who are grieving but also their therapists, partners, and friends better support their loved ones. The chapters are deliberately short and full of easy-to-find resources, and the book can be listened to again and again. This structure aids those who are struggling, who are fatigued and lose focus easily under the weight of their grief.
Dr. DiRaimondo is a clinical psychologist whose specialties include working with clients who have experienced significant loss, including the loss of children, siblings, spouses, grandchildren, and young parents. Surviving Sibling Loss interweaves her personal and professional experience and knowledge of bereavement, as well as the perspectives of fourteen individuals she interviewed who also lost siblings.
Dawn DiRaimondo, Psy.D.
Psychologist & Author
www.drdawndiraimondo.com
Resources Mentioned or Recommended
The Surviving Siblings Podcast
Is available on all platforms and features stories representing all different types of sibling loss.Surviving Sibling Loss: The Invisible Thread that Connects Us Through Life and Death
by Dawn DiRaimondo, Psy.D.