Resilient Healing
As a caregiver you understand the wild swing of emotions you can experience on any given day. This is completely normal.
But while you are tending to your loved ones’ needs, you can also help transform your emotional wounds through resilient healing.
Resilience is the ability to withstand adversity and bounce back from difficult life events. Being resilient doesn’t mean you don’t experience stress or emotional upheaval, but it’s the ability to work through the pain and suffering and learn and transform from the challenges.
I use this powerful mantra with my clients when working on resilience:
Feel > Deal > Heal
It’s important to note this journey is not linear. You can go through this process tens/hundreds of times. The more you experience it, the more resilient you become because you are aware of the process and better able to navigate yourself through it.
Of course, different times in your life and some events are easier and faster to recover from than others. Everyone has a different response to challenges.
I will discuss each element in more detail.
FEEL
Feeling is the first step in building resilience. Really allow yourself to experience all your emotions. Numbing your feelings or stuffing them down is only temporary and can lead to outbursts later or cause physical symptoms.
A caregiver friend to her husband with a terminal illness described this stage as, “a myriad of emotions I didn’t even know existed. Would this rollercoaster ride ever end?”
Awareness is the key during this stage. Just sit with whatever comes up and allow the release to come. Name it. Claim it. Write it down.
Emotional tears are a release and different than reflex tears from cutting onions or breathing in dust. Allowing yourself to cry from an emotional experience can stabilize mood, increase heart rate, and slow down breathing.
Maybe you have triggers during this time which cause an intense emotional response. Examples of triggers can be songs, favorite foods, certain movies, or nostalgic places.
One excellent tip to help manage your feelings is to set a timer for 30-45 minutes. Give yourself permission to really feel all the emotions during that time. You may even be angry. That’s ok. Get it all out. When the timer goes off, you know you need to get yourself together and be present for your duties as a caregiver. Rinse and repeat as many times as necessary.
DEAL
The second step is processing and dealing with your emotions. This is not an exhaustive list but is a representative sample of what techniques I have seen work best with clients transforming through resilient healing.
It’s important to note that what works best for one person may not resonate for another. Pick and choose something or try things in combination until you find what feels authentic for you.
Walk in Nature. Time in green space reduces your cortisol levels which is a stress hormone. Nature also boosts endorphin levels which promotes happiness, eases muscle tension, and reduces anxiety. I advised a caregiver client to take a walk even on days she didn’t feel like going outside. After a few days of walking, she noticed a stray dog following her on her walks. She has now adopted the stray and said her furry friend has been her faithful companion through her husband’s illness. You never know what nature will provide.
Journaling. Writing down your thoughts and feelings allows you to free your mind and reduces stress and anxiety by putting pen to paper. It helps improve your mood by prioritizing problems, fears, and concerns. The act of writing things out also keeps track of progress and growth, increases self-confidence, finds inspiration, and strengthens memory. Clients use it as a tool to track their progress. You can look back weeks or months and realize you don’t feel the same way about something anymore.
Music. Music is a great healer and it’s so simple. Putting on your favorite genre can take you back to a time when you were free of responsibility. When I was taking care of my dad during his last illness, I would play my 80’s hair band songs in my car. Listening to those songs was a bright spot in my day and allowed me to deal with the heaviness of the duties associated with the nursing home. It was a little 10–15-minute break to let loose and take my mind back to a time when life was simpler. You can even make a playlist of your favorite songs and pull them up anytime you need to release some stress.
Sit in Silence. Sitting in silence can be a scary proposition to some people. All kinds of thoughts come to your mind. But silence is the beginning of the end of resistance. It’s incredibly powerful. Allow thoughts to come and go just like a conveyor belt. You accept what is here and now without judgment. Silence is the end of conflict, co-dependency, and victimhood. Start with 5 minutes of silence and work up to whatever feels comfortable for you.
It’s Good Enough Attitude. Most of us are so used to having everything perfect, but that sets us up for unrealistic expectations. It also causes undue stress and anxiety when we are healing. Learn to lower your expectations and adopt the “it’s good enough” attitude and it will dramatically improve your overall well-being. If you can pull back in just one area of your life you will notice a huge difference. For instance, one of my clients told me she gave up on having the perfectly picked up and clean house while taking care of her mother. She realized the chores would always be there, but her mom needed her more.
Support Group. It’s crucial to talk to others who are experiencing the same thing as you while you are healing. Whether it’s in person or online, no one else truly understands what you are going through daily. Be discriminating and choose a judgment free zone to air out your feelings. This is also a great way to build new relationships and plan social activities.
Research. Do your own research through podcasts, YouTube videos, TED talks etc. and find what resonates with you. Research topics such as emotional healing, transformation, resilience, empowerment, and self-care. Be careful not to get overwhelmed by information overload. Take the time to absorb what you are learning and put it into practice. Information without implementation is just mind clutter.
HEAL
Here’s where the magic happens. One day you hear the song that used to make you cry, you look at the picture you have been avoiding, you smell that familiar scent, and it no longer curls your stomach. The things that once triggered you no longer stop you in your tracks.
You recognize them for what they are in the moment. They are memories. Most importantly, you can acknowledge the memory and go about your business.
When that happens to me, I always give myself a high five in the mirror and say something positive to myself out loud like, “look at you girl, you are healing. You are strong. You are resilient”.
I encourage my clients to do the same when healing. Look at yourself in the mirror and talk out loud to yourself. Positive affirmations build self-confidence and increase resistance. This is how we take back our power one step at a time.
Healthy Healing,
Deb Church
ABOUT DEB CHURCH:
Deb has been in Wilmington for 26 years and practiced business and corporate law. Then she was fortunate to stay at home with her two boys. During her gig as a domestic engineer, she became a volunteer extraordinaire, community advocate, blogger, and wrote an adult humor book. During that time, she faced a myriad of struggles which knocked her life off course. When her 30 year marriage ended in divorce, she was forced to reassess life and started her life coach training. After navigating life’s craziest twists and turns, Deb’s mission is to share her experiences and lessons with others facing difficult life changes.
See it, Believe it, Achieve it!