Respite, not Re: Spite
I’m sure I am not the only one in the world who has siblings who share in the care of ailing parents.
In the movies, they all get along, always work to towards the best outcome for their family members and then hang out together in their off hours to reflect on their successes. The siblings all respect each other, are sensitive to each other needs and act accordingly creating a sugary sweet forever bond both as friends and caregivers.
Well, that is the movies. I’ve spoken to enough families to know this fictitious movie situation often does not play out in real life. How to I know the difference? Real life is messier. There is birth order, and different relationships with parents, views on life, priorities, needs, personalities, geography, life experiences, life partners, views on having children, and skill sets that almost ensure a different approach to caregiving.
Things can be pretty manageable managing all of these differences, but in my experience, when things become more acute or urgent in a crisis, that’s when things tend to fall apart.
When I say ‘fall apart’, I mean the potential for: misunderstandings, anxiety, fighting, name calling, ignoring, unresolved childhood issues coming to the fore, personality clashes, silent treatments, bullying, hurt feelings, feelings of loss of control, and abandonment issues.
When I take a step back and analyze these situations, often after the crisis has subsided, I realize every family with caregivers in it experiences a version or combination of these and that is OK. It is SUPPOSED to happen.
In my situation I have two siblings who live in different provinces (not mine). I am the only one living in the same province/town as our parents, so the caregiving/appointment scheduling/driving often falls to me. My siblings do what they can by phone. This worked well for many years. Everyone was happy. But as my parents decline further, my sibling’s anxieties proportionally rise as they slowly realize our time left with our parents is shrinking. They consider me lucky because I have the luxury of spending as much time as I want with our parents. I consider them lucky as when they visit, they can actually have a fun VISIT without being burdened by caregiving chores like toileting, etc…We each want what the other has.
Now, as time marches on, visits from my sisters feel like chum being thrown into the shark tank. There is a feeding frenzy. All time with my parents is like the golden ticket. I feel dejected, devalued and ignored as my sisters come and take over the care I set up and provide most of the year. Some call it respite. And we all make different choices about care for my parents. My sisters want me out of the way because their visiting time with my parents is few and far between. Each visit could technically be the last. My one sister’s most recent visit lasted 2 months. I think she was afraid to leave.
As I try to sort out in my head what my feelings are after each of these visits, I often find a conglomeration of fear of loss, fear of loss of control, fear of being devalued, fear of letting go, and fear of change. There appears to be a theme here: FEAR!!! (Mental note: think about why I fear).
I am usually happy once my siblings leave because I am returning to homeostasis. But more and more, recently, I feel the homeostasis changing. Gone are the days when I’m calling all the shots. When I was the one people turned to for advice regarding my parent’s care, whose input was the most important because I was nearest to the situation (mental note: reflect on my need for control). My siblings now are making great efforts to be equally involved in my parents care after realizing their end is nearing. They have every right to do this. I should not have a monopoly on my parents. But neither should they when they are visiting for extended periods of time.
Somehow our own personal needs, wants, and life situations have blurred our responsibilities to each other and as a result communication has broken down. Relationships have been fractured as we all try to meet our own needs and that of my parents. Behind the back conversations are common so as to not fan any further flames. Alliances and motives have been questioned. The chum has been thrown.
In my mind the way forward to improve or repair these types sibling relationships in the context of caregiving has to include the following:
a recognition of everyone’s needs,
a commitment to putting ourselves and our own lives at the fore before we help anyone else, and
know we each have value without defining our worth by how much help/time/effort we have put into the care of our family members or others.
We are all loved. We are all dedicated to helping our elders. We are all good people who want the best for them. The problems could be much, much worse. (Mental note: reflect re: spite versus enjoying the respite).
ABOUT @braininjurywise:
@braininjurywise was a practicing nurse, nurse educator, national nursing accreditation exam writer, and an accomplished triathlete when involved in a car accident that resulted in a brain injury. There were many losses due to the accident including every role listed above. Through perseverance, rehabilitation and support from a fantastic family, @braininjurywise has spent the last 10 years working to redefine goals and purpose. These now include a much slower lifestyle, planning and pacing each day, appreciating the little things in life and regular mediation to slow the mind. Other activities include writing, IG, walking the precious family pet in the woods, and caring for aging family members.
My website, Brain Injury Wise, has lots of tips and tricks for managing a brain injury.