Supporting Family and Friends Through Unresolved Grief
Grief is very much a part of our lives. We usually think of grief as happening after the death of a Loved One but grief can also be brought on by changes, losses and transitions that are unrelated to death. Generally we just press on hoping time will take care of whatever we’re feeling without ever facing it head on. It is the piling up of this unresolved grief that often haunts us and I think keeps us from being as supportive as we can be to both ourselves and others.
It starts when we are kids. Maybe one year in elementary school you really bond with your teacher and have a hard time going back to school because you don’t have the same deep rapport with your new teacher. You feel out of sorts or out of place and don’t do quite as well as in years past.
Perhaps you were on a sports team with your friends for a few years, but this time you have a lousy try out and don’t make the team. You now feel isolated and left out from your social group and so you withdraw into yourself. You may even have the opportunity to be on the B team and work your way back up but say no because you feel embarrassed, ending any possibility for change.
Or maybe you have a great situation as a kid, and then your parents get divorced or you move away from your friends. It could be that the family dog died, and instead of giving their young children space and time to grieve, your well-meaning parents went out and bought a new dog to replace your beloved pet – thus forcing you to be distracted and move on from your feelings of loss.
The feeling of loss and the emotions that results from these circumstances may be considered a form of grief. Add to this the loss of a beloved pet or a grandparent, or neighbor and you have added grief from physical death.
Life is, of course, full of disappointments and change. I cannot help but wonder if one of the reasons that people have so much trouble coping with death is because we do not always properly identify feelings of loss and teach our children how to cope with these feelings in a healthy way.
As we continue to grow up we learn various coping mechanisms, some healthy and some not. Instead of learning how to take responsibility for loss and understand that let downs, disappointment and death are all a NORMAL part of life to be experienced and embraced, we learn how to blame others for our misfortune and mistakes. Or we become depressed and learn how to drown our sorrows in an addicting behavior or food. Anything but face the good the bad and the ugly about grief being part of what molds us, teaches us, and may break us.
Later on, as adults, we may be less empathetic to our friends, our spouses, parents or children when they are going through a loss of some kind. Because we never were properly taught how to respond to these situations, it is likely that we have only become more uncomfortable and confused as adults on how to handle our Loved One’s feelings or our own.
I have had many clients tell me that they have years of unexpressed and unresolved grief from various circumstances and loss from decade upon decade.
As we are growing up, we like to imagine good things that can happen for us – how a situation could turn out or create a story of how events in our life will play out. When life and reality contradict these dreams, it can leave us with feelings of loss.
Finally, a friend dies, or something in the news hits us like a ton of bricks. The floodgates are opened and, like it or not, all the unprocessed hurt, sadness, fear and grief comes tumbling out at every possible chance it gets. You may not realize that your grief and reaction to the one thing was the trigger to overloading your soul, and not the cause.
We also have grief as adults when we end up getting divorced, changing jobs, homes, neighborhoods, or experience the death of close friends, family and pets.
Ultimately, you may experience the end result of such conditioning when you lose someone near and dear to you. I have thought about grief and the many ways that it has affected my life, and those around me for years. I have heard lots of ill-timed questions and awkward but heartfelt condolences said to those who have lost beloved family and friends. Just recently, at almost 60 years old, I have learned a new and unfortunate dynamic surrounding death and loss. I do not believe it is actually new, but more that because I was younger I either didn’t experience it myself or didn’t recognize it when I heard it.
I had the honor of working with two amazing people earlier this year who were best friends for most of their adult lives. One was almost two decades older but it had never actually played a part until the older of the two friends became ill. At the service I overheard more than one person ask the younger friend, who had just lost their best buddy of close to forty years – “Now what? Are you ready for things to get back to normal now that the service is behind you?”
I am sure no harm was intended but what a thoughtless statement to make!! After all those years of being in each other’s lives the survivor was being asked about getting back to “normal”? What about their situation could possibly be construed as NORMAL??
This seemingly innocent question sent me on a thought journey that has not yet stopped.
What is it about our society that would give a random friend or family member the slightest idea that the person who has survived the loss of their best friend (or spouse, or sibling, or child, or parent) could ever have normal as a description again? How can we even conceive of what normal would look like if it wasn’t even on the radar until now – after the death of this beloved person? How does the average person begin to start even looking at what is left of their life now, let alone have them ever consider it “normal”?
As a society and culture we seem to thrive on getting the perceived “most” out of every second of every day. We are encouraged to “pull up our knee-socks” and “keep moving forward”. Yes, you may get a week or two off from work to go through their things and work on settling their estate. But how do you go back to work and your routine when EVERYTHING in your life has now changed?
I think about the parents who have lost children, spouses who have lost their partners, and best friends who counted on their BFF to be their north star in bad times. Or siblings who have lost their beloved brother or sister who they, quite literally, have shared most of their life with. How do these people move on in their lives in the one to two weeks off they are given after losing a Loved One?
The answer, of course, is that they can’t. You may think they are okay, and a few may actually be relieved that their Loved One is no longer in pain or suffering from some horrible disease, but the majority of people are far from okay. With time and God’s grace, they are hopefully able to create a different life for themselves. They will make adjustments and move on, but life will never be the same as it was.
Almost all of us know how to play “the game” and say the “right things” so that people think we are doing “okay” when we are not. We know how to put on a brave face and pretend that whatever continues to move forward in our lives is important. But how can anything feel important when you have just lost someone so dear? All of us know at least one person who has never been quite the same since their Loved One died.
Consider these Possibilities
This brings me back to all the awkward silences, and stilted words that come out when we try to express our condolences to both acquaintances, and dear friends alike after they have experienced a significant loss. If you are that person who has lost a Beloved, and you feel like some of the people you thought who would be there for you have been silent, or ghosted you, I ask that you consider two possibilities.
The first possibility is that this friend has unresolved grief they’ve never fully processed or had anyone say to them – “This is so very terrible and I have no idea what to say to you to bring you comfort or help you feel better.” This understanding and support was never shown to them so they have no role model of how to cope with their own feelings, let alone yours! It does not mean they are not your friend or that they do not love or care for you or your person. It just means that they are as human as we are and we all make mistakes – even when we don’t want to just because we feel hopeless to be able to change the reality you now are living.
The second possibility is perhaps your loss scared them and was frightening in how it parallels their own life. If something horrible can happen to you, when they know you are a really good person and try your best in life, then what is to keep it from happening to them and their family. These parallels that frighten us can be conscious, but often they are unconscious because it feels “too close” and our protective mechanisms take over as our brain even begins to contemplate the size of your loss.
Do you have unresolved grief?
If you were a person who grew up without support or understanding when you were experiencing disappointment or grief, I would like to ask you to please make a list of all the losses you have had in your lifetime. Write underneath each one what you remember that you did to help you process the disappointment or loss.Then review your list and think about all the ways I am suggesting you support others. When you do this, use my Mom’s mirror test: go stand in the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself do you still have more feelings to process about the people and situations on your list? If you get teary, or can’t look yourself in the mirror, there may be more unresolved grief that needs tending to. I ask that you gently spend some more time considering these losses and get a journal to write about them. Go through my list of support ideas and do these things for yourself so that you can finally fully heal.
How can we fully support each other?
Now that we understand what may be keeping us at arms length, you may be wondering, “What do we do about it Lili? How can we genuinely offer our support to acquaintances, friends and family who have experienced a loss?
There are a number of things that you can do to help and support your Loved One(s) who are coping with loss and trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. Here are my favorite ways to show support.
Lili’s List of Support Ideas after Loss
Find a person to initiate a request to friends and family of the Loved One who has died and on social media (if they wish) asking for people to send in funny stories and any great photographs of the special person who has died. They can create a folder on their Google Drive and make a public link so people can upload their letters and photos. They could also email them. Then take photographs of each letter, and clean up the photographs and create a Photobook with all of them and the notes on the photos and it can be a community gift to the members of their family and any friends. You can also make it available for folks to purchase after the gifts have been given.
Be honest with your friend or family member who is grieving. Tell them you want to say something to them to express how sorry you are that they have lost this person and explain that it is very hard for you to comprehend how difficult it is for them and even though you can’t find the right words you want them to know that you care about them and will help in any way you can.
Make a donation to their person’s charity or a cause that was close to their heart in the name of their Loved One and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them and have made a donation.
Don’t ask what they need – but drop off a bulk package of items that need to be frequently replaced like tissues and toilet paper.
Start a Meal Train for them and send it out to their family, friends, neighborhood and groups they may belong to at mealtrain.com.
Dropping off home made food if you don’t have a meal train, or gift cards to restaurants who deliver, is another great way to help support your family or friends who are coping or struggling with the loss of a Loved One.
Put a reminder on your calendar to text the ones you are close to – to send a quick text, write a card, or drop by with a treat or flowers once a week. Just make sure you are consistently letting them know you are there in the background and they are not alone in their grief.
Understand that anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are going to be rough. Talk with your friend and help them and the family figure out how to handle the first year of holidays so that they have input that is new and thoughtful on how to move forward with planning ahead so that the dread of facing the holiday does not overwhelm them.
Get together with friends and family and brainstorm something you can do to honor the Loved One who died. Maybe replace the worn out swings on a local playground, or start a scholarship for an activity they loved, or a school they went to. Also think about donating their favorite books to a local library and getting a bookplate made to honor them and put them in all the books donated.
Figure out what your superpower is at the moment and try to extend that gift to your friend or family member. Maybe you make a mean apple pie? Or love to clean and go over and give their home a quick vacuum and dusting. Perhaps you are physically active? Offer to go biking, walking, play tennis / pickleball or hike with them?
Plan a time and day when you are both free and tell them to pack a change of clothes or an overnight bag and bring them for a day or an overnight to a favorite mountain, lake or oceanside place so they can get away and have the time and space to process all they are going through – or simply have a wonderful time.
Bring a 1000 or 2000 piece fun puzzle over to them with a box of their favorite tea or coffee. Explain that as we put puzzles together, our brain and heart also puts pieces back together in parallel and it will help them process all they are feeling.
Figure out if you can go on a daily walk with them for whatever amount of time works for both of you. If you have inclement weather then move your walk to the indoor mall nearby and do laps so that you are still getting to have the physical exercise.
Mark your calendar with their anniversary dates, including dates where their Loved One had a terminal illness diagnosed, was in a car accident or had a bad fall, became very sick, or died as well as their wedding anniversary and birthday. Go to your local dollar store and find some “thinking of you cards” that are a range from silly, funny, serious, and thoughtful and then drop them a quick note and mail the cards in time to arrive by the date that is hard and do this for as long as you can or feel called to do.
Get your friends or family together who are experiencing the same loss and have a brainstorming session of your own to come up with ideas on how to support their family and each other based on their specific needs or favorite things about the person who has died.
Pay attention to the surviving spouse, children, parents, best friends and note if they have lost a lot of weight, ask them how they are sleeping and how well they are eating?
Ask if they have gone out to the store yet, or back to work or their groups like book club or Mahjong? If you can see that they are not doing well please see if they would be willing to see a grief counselor. Ask if they will get a referral from their doc or if they would like your help.
If you are comfortable, give their friends and family a code word on a card – that states – “If you are having a bad day, but can’t reach out and talk on the phone, text XXXXX to me and I will be there as soon as I can so that you are not alone.
If you are concerned about their physical or mental health please alert their families, friends or doctor. Are you being a busybody? Maybe. BUT you are also being a true friend who is taking action on a very real problem they are having. Make sure they know they can always call the mental health hotline if needed in the middle of the night or whenever, if they are not comfortable calling family or friends. They just have to dial 988 and tell the person on the phone that they are having a hard time since they lost their Loved One.