Good Grief!!
When you hear that someone is grieving, you typically envision them as sad, crying, or in other ways somehow trying to deal with a loss. But grief actually has a wider array of symptoms, and ones you may never have associated with it. Now I should say, I am not a grief expert or scholar, but I do have a lot of lived experience. I have a history with grief in so much as I have made it a companion of sorts. It’s never too far away, and I can notice it showing its face in many of my daily routines.
I guess my travels with grief started when I was in high school when my boyfriend at the time was killed in front of my eyes in a boating accident. I was sitting right beside him when the other boat struck. Then another high school friend was killed by a drunk driver. I have experienced the death of workmates, relatives, pets and some relationships.
The funny thing I’ve learned though, is that grieving as an event, such as those listed above, is far easier than grieving a long, slow loss such as that of my parents mental and physical capacities. These losses are ongoing, get worse, stay with you as unresolved, and are painful as they continue on and on. Don’t get me wrong, I do not wish any ill will upon my parents, or in any way wish they were gone so I can get on with my life. It is simply painful to watch a decline, the accompanying suffering, and the loss of memories we shared in earlier times. It’s like a slow loss of myself in a way. These were and are fundamental to who I am. But these are only observations. Curious musings about grief as we travel together and continue to learn about each other through time and experiences. My first thoughts are that grief is hard, certainly unwelcome, and to be avoided.
Grief is never supposed to be an easy companion, or one you can just shake away. Grief is a process. It is an entity that visits, goes away for a while, then returns, and sometimes completely without notice. But let me get back to what grief actually looks like. Yes, sad. But it can revisit over and over again in many other ways such as impatience, emotionality, perfectionism, rigidity, anger, criticism (of self/others), overconfidence, judgementalism, hyperactivity, and difficulty navigating some relationships. Anxiety can also play a big role as sometimes we fear further grieving if the risk is high to have to take on more. The problems start when we are afraid to live for fear of more grief because we are completely saturated with it and have no further capacity to take on more. This is an indication our mindset needs to change.
Grief is not something we need to let bury us alive. It is processable. It is livable. And it even serves a purpose. I have actually come around to being thankful for grief in my life. It has allowed me the opportunity to take notice of myself and understand the how’s and whys of my choices and behaviors. It is like a flour mill where raw emotions can be processed and ground down to a far more palatable format. Grief is there for a reason and it is cyclical. One day our children will be grieving losses related to us, and/or our physical selves. WHOA. Grief is a reminder that we are human and get to live in the processes of life. It is actually a good reminder that we are fully alive, real, raw, and willing to put in the hard work of processing the difficult emotions that come with loss.
“Life is a series of losses” (Paul TP Wong) so that means the grief cycle is kept alive and well. But this is not meant to be depressing reading. For “we can still live with a profound sense of fulfillment despite the losses, only if we master the art of letting go.”(Paul TP Wong). Thinking we can hang onto everything and everybody is a recipe for self-destruction.
From our first experiences with loss like losing our teeth in childhood, to the more complex like losing ability through accident/injury, we come to realize that loss is actually a big part of ourselves and our lives. No one can escape it. But if we can EXPECT loss, recognize and welcome grief, allow emotion, and be kind to ourselves in the process, we can live fully while grieving. Or grieve so we can live fully. Or live fully while we grieve….or……Round and round we go! Grief is expected, part of life, cyclical and difficult. It is not easy, ignorable, rush-able or linear. Good grief!! Where will I find you today???
ABOUT @braininjurywise:
@braininjurywise was a practicing nurse, nurse educator, national nursing accreditation exam writer, and an accomplished triathlete when involved in a car accident that resulted in a brain injury. There were many losses due to the accident including every role listed above. Through perseverance, rehabilitation and support from a fantastic family, @braininjurywise has spent the last 10 years working to redefine goals and purpose. These now include a much slower lifestyle, planning and pacing each day, appreciating the little things in life and regular mediation to slow the mind. Other activities include writing, IG, walking the precious family pet in the woods, and caring for aging family members.
My website, Brain Injury Wise, has lots of tips and tricks for managing a brain injury.