The Way Back Machine
Do you ever wonder how you developed into the person you are? How did you come into your personality, your likes, dislikes, relationships, etc…?? Well, there is no better window into the past than the opportunity to care for an elder family member. In my caregiving role for my aging parents, I feel sometimes as if I am in a “way-back time machine”, or in a Disney movie staring into a magical mirror or pond, that transports me directly back into my childhood. I’m right back at the kitchen table getting scolded for ruining my appetite. Sometimes this link is hard to make, and other times in my interactions with my parents, I feel like I have been smacked in the face with family habits, long standing roles and expectations, impulsive retorts, or wisps of behavior I recognize that result in a response/correction in myself. I think, “Oh, THAT is where I got that, or THAT is why I exhibit these behaviors in adulthood.
Don’t get me wrong, happy, loving and fond memories emerge in the intimacy of caregiving, but also the ugly side of past parent-child relationships, the kind that have been tolerated, or forgotten as you have lived your adult life, only to find they are re-exposed as your parents age. I am a firm believer that rose-colored glasses have a function when faced with your past in a caregiving relationship, but it’s as important to embrace any negative questions, emotions and reactions that come up as these life-long roles are reversed. And. They. Will. Come. Up. These are the chance for you to really think about your origins. Don’t pass up this opportunity!!
I’ll give you an example from my own family. As I care for my aging parents, who by the way have been known their whole lives as sweet, generous and caring. And they are. But until they were put in the unfavorable (to them) position of needing others in order to remain independent, some of the shine I had placed on my parent’s character, was burning my eyes. I realized my father really likes things to happen when he wants them to, on his schedule, at the time of his choosing. I thought to myself as I am caring for him, that any aging, vulnerable person might deserve all of these things. They raised me, don’t I owe them this? Well in the sometimes-gruelling exhaustion any caregiver knows well, this can wear thin. I have set up an expectation that I will respond to his beck and call 24/7? This does not seem sustainable for me. Then I thought, why am I even thinking this? It really seems like resentment. That is not what good caregivers/daughters think. Then I put on my way back machine glasses. I realized he has really always had this characteristic, but in the cargive-ee role, these historical trends become exaggerated. This prompted me to look in an even scarier mirror. At myself. I realized that I am like that, too. He is demanding of me as I demand of others. We definitely have the same DNA. I had made the link between my past, my present, my father, myself. All as the result of caregiving.
Another example involves my mom. She was a highly functioning professional in her day. Organized to the Nth degree. Very good at her job, highest degree in university attained, A-Type personality, you know what I’m talking about. Well as she ages these traits remain, but not necessarily intact. She still makes lists to keep herself organized, but as her memories fade, I find half made lists everywhere on little slips of paper, some items scratched out, others crumpled as if they had been in a pocket but then brought back out to continue. This can be frustrating as a caregiver as you want her to retain as many skills as possible, but when the grocery list is on 10 different pieces of paper, your eagerness to help her learn fades. I want to grab them all up, make my own list, then go shopping. Whoa. Take her right out of the equation. This is certainly not what I did with my own children but in the desperation and sleep deprived role of the caregiver, it’s what happens. Why do I lose my patience so readily?? Maybe my plate is full, maybe it is pouring onto the floor. Maybe it because my parents have been so capable all their lives and the changes are more frustrating. Then it hit me. Cue my father: My impatience is because I want things done a certain way, on my time frame, how I like them. I have always been like that. I am a true mix of many of my parental characteristics. Patient, demanding, organized, etc… these characteristics and many more have been laid bare with each interaction.
Now, throw in a few siblings who have the same parents but a different relationship with them, who have had different life experiences, and it frustrates me that they don’t always understand my self-reflections or perspectives. Why is that? Cue my father…..
Now throw in birth order, and whether the siblings have had their own children or not. Now family interactions can look a lot like the Disney fireworks show.
The point is, as you care for your aging family members, hints of your own childhood interactions with your parents are available to you to use as a lens to better understand yourself. Whether all family interactions are 100% supportive and happy or not (they are not), these should be understood as opportunities to look into your viewfinder and click the small handle on the right, and you can see into your past and how your life has advanced.
ABOUT @braininjurywise
@braininjurywise was a practicing nurse, nurse educator, national nursing accreditation exam writer, and an accomplished triathlete when involved in a car accident that resulted in a brain injury. There were many losses due to the accident including every role listed above. Through perseverance, rehabilitation and support from a fantastic family, @braininjurywise has spent the last 10 years working to redefine goals and purpose. These now include a much slower lifestyle, planning and pacing each day, appreciating the little things in life and regular mediation to slow the mind. Other activities include writing, IG, walking the precious family pet in the woods, and caring for aging family members.
My website, Brain Injury Wise, has lots of tips and tricks for managing a brain injury.
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