Caregiving May be Hard but I Think there is a Silver Lining

When people think of being a Caregiver for their Loved Ones, they often think of the hard work and the stress, or about the lack of time they have for their own lives or self care. Maybe they feel awkward about doing personal care for a family member or do not feel they are the caregiver type.

If their Loved One is actively dying, they may feel uncomfortable witnessing their Loved One’s suffering or they are not comfortable with death in general. Sometimes at the end, your Loved One may not look or be much like the person you knew them to be. What is left may be painful for you so you don’t want to see them – you only want to remember them before they got sick.

I invite you to consider a different way of thinking about Caregiving.

Instead of thinking of it as a difficult task – and YES, it IS that! – remember what so many people say after their Loved One has died. They wish they had the opportunity to have more time with them – even if their Loved One was not healthy and well. Scotty McCreery’s song “Five More Minutes” says it all – we all just want a little more time to soak in the essence of the person that we have loved so very much. Perhaps you’ve experienced that yourself.

Caregiving can give you more time. Some of the moments that I treasure most and remember of my Aunt Esther and both my parents was washing their faces, arms, hands and neck gently, patting them dry and getting them into fresh clothes. I loved putting moisturizer on their hands, arms and legs to keep them their dry and fragile skin from being torn. This often made me feel like it was a chance to give back the love and care they showed me when I was a child.

What if we thought of Caregiving as a privilege?

Despite the long days and nights and the not so fun parts of Caregiving for our Loved Ones, be it helping them in the bathroom, or bathing them, I want you to realize that is indeed a privilege to be cherished. Is it fun and glamorous? Not in the least most of the time. But the opportunity to spend time with and care for a Beloved family member or friend? This is one of the ultimate gifts that we can give another human. It may be because it is your Beloved child, parent, sibling, family member or friend but it is a very personal and sacred (to me) privilege to be given the opportunity and the honor of caring for our Loved Ones.

On those tired days, when you are at the end of your rope, focusing on the privileged position you are in to be caring for Loved One or stranger may help you carry on. You are giving them unconditional love and care and they are giving you priceless memories and the understanding of what it is to nurture and really be there for someone on the front lines.

And for those of you who are professional Caregivers and are earning your income by caring for people who are strangers, I thank you!!! You are doing a job that your client’s family and friends are unable to do. It does not matter what the reason is it is still, without question, an act of service to your fellow human beings which is amazing!!

Understand that not everyone is able to be a Caregiver.

Being a Caregiver requires patience, empathy, and sometimes a pretty strong stomach to deal with those bad or messy days. It also requires time and not everyone can afford to give their time in such a complete way.

If you happen to hold anger towards someone, whether in your family or someone else’s, because they did not do what you thought was appropriate, let’s step back and look at the situation together.

It is a wonderful hope that all families and friends are able to be – or want to be – Caregivers. If someone is or was unable to be a Caregiver, I ask you to please not judge them. Every person is fighting their own battle, has their own back story and history that happened when we weren’t present. There is no way we can know everything that is going on in the lives, hearts and minds of the people around us.

How can I deal with my anger or frustration when someone doesn’t want to be a Caregiver?

When I am having trouble with a person or situation, I always validate why I am feeling what I am feeling, and then say, “I am giving the person and the situation to God.” (or whomever your higher power / Source / the Universe / God / Karma is) And then truly LET GO and allow yourself stop thinking about it. God can’t help if you keep trying to take over.

When I worked admissions in a nursing home many years ago I had sooooo much anger over the many elderly residents who were actively dying and had not one person come to stay with them as they died and keep vigil. I gave a LOT of people to God when I worked in that job!!

I definitely got this from my mom. She told me that when she had issues with someone she would “bring them to church with her” in thought and heart. Then, when she went up to receive Communion she would leave them at the altar and the situation would then be in God’s hands. It does take practice to stop thinking about a situation or a person after you have given them to God but it helps you go on and not be so bitter or angry.

It is very important to let that anger go if you are the Caregiver for someone. It is easy to take unprocessed emotions and anger out someone else and, if you are that angry, you may take it out on your Loved One. It is not intentional but you are likely exhausted, and even a little scared, trying to do everything in your power for them, as well as tending to your own life – NOT an easy task.

If you feel you are unable to be Caregiver, you can still help!

If you feel you are not one to be a Caregiver, but you would like to contribute somehow, what types of things are you good at and like to do?

• Are you able to run errands, like picking up medications or some groceries?

• Maybe you are good at meal prep and can make some meals to drop off for a Caregiver, so they can get good nourishment.

• Or you are fine doing laundry, even if it’s heavily soiled.

• You can also volunteer to pay for necessary caregiving items like bandages.

Then, you can volunteer your preferred task to help your Loved One to whomever is acting as a Caregiver.

You are needed, too! We all need a team of family and friends to help us and figure things out so if what you have been asked to do doesn’t work for you – find something that does and be part of the team caring for your Loved One. Just make a contribution. I promise you will NOT be sorry!!!

Much love,

Lili